HNT - Favorite

This is a favorite because i love the pattern left from the rope that carefully, lovingly and tightly bound me for a short time.  Every time i look at this picture, i am reminded of the feeling (both physical and emotional).

See favorite pictures at Osbasso's HNT

Quotes

I've been thinking about love and its many expressions.

"And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go!" ~ Kate in "Leopold & Kate"

~CLICK~ Knowing 

"Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe...they're so perky, I love that." ~Miracle Max in "The Princess Bride"

~CLICK~ Mmm...so perky!

"Beatrice: You have stayed me in a happy hour, I was about to protest I loved you.
Benedick: And do it, with all thy heart.
Beatrice: I love you with so much of my heart, that none is left to protest." ~ from "Much Ado About Nothing"

~CLICK~ There is none left to protest 

Discord

Today started off all right.  Master and i had about 45 minutes of "alone time" before He had to leave for work. The first half of that was great.  A lovely morning "quickie." And then, in my view, it went downhill.

It could have gotten ugly.  With anyone else, it would have turned into one heck of an argument.  Like most disruptions in the daily life of a couple, there wasn't anything huge.  One comment upon leaving the bedroom and a comparison to something the "ex" used to do would have had me slinging back a comparable comment with anyone else.  Then another complaint and another.  True, i had completely forgotten to finish up laundry last night; i told Him to give me His jacket to have ready for today, and i forgot so it wasn't ready.  But in my mind, i was thinking, "How often does this happen?  Never!"  Internally, i was having the conversation about how He hasn't been noticing any of the good things i've been doing, only complaining, mentally comparing some of His actions with "the ex," and complaining myself.  Simultaneously,  i knew that He was grumpy, that He has a lot on His mind and didn't want to come downstairs to no jacket (well, no dry jacket), morning kid damage, and all the work stuff that's been bugging Him.  I know that when i am frustrated by outside things or am tired, every little thing becomes a huge annoyance.  So, being the dutiful slave, and the woman who has learned from experience, i kept my mouth shut.

We had a subdued "goodbye."  It's sad to say, but i was looking forward to His leaving for work.  I honestly don't know if He realizes how grumpy He sounded and that the negatives have outweighed the positive comments lately.  It's about a 10:1 ratio, if i remember correctly -- it takes 10 positives to overcome one negative.

However, my arguing back, trying to point out where i was right or how He misinterpreted things or defending what happened would have done neither of us any good. It's not about being right or wrong. Just because He is my Owner doesn't make Him automatically right.  Just because i am His property doesn't make me incompetent or automatically wrong.  Yes, He was grumpy.  In 3 out of 5 things He has a legitimate right to be upset.  Yes, my feelings got hurt.  In 2 out of 5 things He did not have a legitimate complaint.  But grumpiness and thin skin can make for a volatile situation.

*click* Pink-Cheeked Girl

I am not His doormat. He may not have known how upset and hurt i felt, but He did have an idea. I know that we will talk about it later.  Once emotions have settled if there is a need to discuss, we will.  One aspect of a D/s relationship that i appreciate is "discipline."  When i make a mistake, i get disciplined.  "Discipline" doesn't necessarily mean a spanking; although it's far different to receive a spanking as discipline than in play.  It hurts far more than in play, but there is something about being swatted and then able to move on and not hang on to a wrongdoing.  Discipline works for us. Whether or not i am disciplined for not following through on a promise i made (the jacket) is up to Him. Another aspect is honesty.  I will have the opportunity to honestly tell Him how i was feeling and how i perceived His behavior.  I have been processing how and why i felt the way i did this morning.  I have to be honest with myself before i can be honest with Master.  It can take me a long time to process, and He has learned to be patient.

We are not an island.  For good or ill, our relationship is comprised of our experiences with others ("the exes," family, etc.).  Our perceptions are colored by past experiences.  Perhaps He really wasn't chiding me as much as i was feeling.  However, having spent far too long in an emotionally abusive relationship, i am extremely sensitive to criticism.  He knows this.  Having spent time in a relationship with a "it doesn't matter/he'll buy another one" attitude  has created His heightened alertness to disrespect.  I know this.

Shortly after arriving at work, Master sent me a text reminding me that He loves me and cares about me.  A molehill that could have become Everest remained a molehill.  What is important is our relationship amidst life.  "Happily ever after" takes one helluva lotta work.  But it's worth it.

Weekend

New Rule: "You may give yourself pleasure when I'm out of town. You need to send me a picture."

This weekend has been a good weekend. Master left for an out of town trip early Saturday morning. We spent a good evening together, not really doing anything but catching up on a couple of recorded shows. Just being close to Him felt good. I know that for us, sex is an important component to our relationship. It isn't just about "getting off," but it continually brings us closer together. It's a renewal of commitment. In my HNT post, i jokingly referred to "boring same old being tied up and gagged" sex. Routine can become boring, i think. Sometimes it's good to switch things around even though the emotional connection that occurs for me when we are intimate never is boring. We do tend to have a routine for the daily sex. Well, around here we have sex multiple times during a day because we both have very high sex drives and it's, well, important. Maybe it's a quick fondle here or there, or my kneeling and worshipping His cock for a moment or two. But we do have a routine: before bed and before getting up and usually something slipped in between then. Usually it starts with my sucking on Him and progresses to a standard repertoire of positions and actions. No complaints; that's what we enjoy, which is why it's like this.


Perhaps what made things better Friday night was that we had an off Thursday night and Friday morning. Master didn't have to work Thursday, and we had the entire morning to ourselves. After quite a bit of fun having me frolic around as His little puppy, i headed to bed with unmentioned expectations Thursday night. Sex fizzled into rolling over and going to sleep (next to Him). I think the cause was a lack of communication. Master tried something He doesn't often do, something which i have very much enjoyed in the past but haven't known how to process in the context of our M/s relationship. I was feeling selfish and worrying that He was not really getting pleasure from it. That in turn led to a decreased response on my part and His frustration by it. I had to process in my little brain why i was having such a reaction. After a discussion and sleep and a day without any sexual play, my mind and body came to an agreement.


Master is always dominant, the Top, in our sexual lives. It doesn't matter what He does or what He asks me to do, He is the top. When i am riding Him, He is still dominant. When He is focusing on pleasuring this body, He is still "topping." When He asks me to choose what to do, He is still in charge. Master enjoys a slave who is a thinking slave, one who learns His preferences and can act without His having to command her all the time. He continually tells me what a strong woman i am. Remembering all of this, i decided to offer up some suggestions Friday night. And so while He was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, i was in the bedroom putting on my cuffs and attaching my ankles to the spreader bar. I also chose a butt plug from the toy box and the leather paddle. We didn't end up having super kinky sex, we didn't have a fuck fest, but we got back in sync.


He didn't leave me a list of things to do while He's gone. He entrusts the care of our home to me. I have been a busy little beaver getting to several projects that just kept being pushed back. I have been indulging the "service slave" part of me. This is part of my submission to Him. He is perfectly capable of taking care of Himself, but He allows me to serve and give to Him. My skills, talents, mind, and opinions are highly valued by Master. However, He is still the Dominant. There will always be rough spots and bad days, but with work they can bring us closer and strengthen our relationship and ourselves.