Discord

Today started off all right.  Master and i had about 45 minutes of "alone time" before He had to leave for work. The first half of that was great.  A lovely morning "quickie." And then, in my view, it went downhill.

It could have gotten ugly.  With anyone else, it would have turned into one heck of an argument.  Like most disruptions in the daily life of a couple, there wasn't anything huge.  One comment upon leaving the bedroom and a comparison to something the "ex" used to do would have had me slinging back a comparable comment with anyone else.  Then another complaint and another.  True, i had completely forgotten to finish up laundry last night; i told Him to give me His jacket to have ready for today, and i forgot so it wasn't ready.  But in my mind, i was thinking, "How often does this happen?  Never!"  Internally, i was having the conversation about how He hasn't been noticing any of the good things i've been doing, only complaining, mentally comparing some of His actions with "the ex," and complaining myself.  Simultaneously,  i knew that He was grumpy, that He has a lot on His mind and didn't want to come downstairs to no jacket (well, no dry jacket), morning kid damage, and all the work stuff that's been bugging Him.  I know that when i am frustrated by outside things or am tired, every little thing becomes a huge annoyance.  So, being the dutiful slave, and the woman who has learned from experience, i kept my mouth shut.

We had a subdued "goodbye."  It's sad to say, but i was looking forward to His leaving for work.  I honestly don't know if He realizes how grumpy He sounded and that the negatives have outweighed the positive comments lately.  It's about a 10:1 ratio, if i remember correctly -- it takes 10 positives to overcome one negative.

However, my arguing back, trying to point out where i was right or how He misinterpreted things or defending what happened would have done neither of us any good. It's not about being right or wrong. Just because He is my Owner doesn't make Him automatically right.  Just because i am His property doesn't make me incompetent or automatically wrong.  Yes, He was grumpy.  In 3 out of 5 things He has a legitimate right to be upset.  Yes, my feelings got hurt.  In 2 out of 5 things He did not have a legitimate complaint.  But grumpiness and thin skin can make for a volatile situation.

*click* Pink-Cheeked Girl

I am not His doormat. He may not have known how upset and hurt i felt, but He did have an idea. I know that we will talk about it later.  Once emotions have settled if there is a need to discuss, we will.  One aspect of a D/s relationship that i appreciate is "discipline."  When i make a mistake, i get disciplined.  "Discipline" doesn't necessarily mean a spanking; although it's far different to receive a spanking as discipline than in play.  It hurts far more than in play, but there is something about being swatted and then able to move on and not hang on to a wrongdoing.  Discipline works for us. Whether or not i am disciplined for not following through on a promise i made (the jacket) is up to Him. Another aspect is honesty.  I will have the opportunity to honestly tell Him how i was feeling and how i perceived His behavior.  I have been processing how and why i felt the way i did this morning.  I have to be honest with myself before i can be honest with Master.  It can take me a long time to process, and He has learned to be patient.

We are not an island.  For good or ill, our relationship is comprised of our experiences with others ("the exes," family, etc.).  Our perceptions are colored by past experiences.  Perhaps He really wasn't chiding me as much as i was feeling.  However, having spent far too long in an emotionally abusive relationship, i am extremely sensitive to criticism.  He knows this.  Having spent time in a relationship with a "it doesn't matter/he'll buy another one" attitude  has created His heightened alertness to disrespect.  I know this.

Shortly after arriving at work, Master sent me a text reminding me that He loves me and cares about me.  A molehill that could have become Everest remained a molehill.  What is important is our relationship amidst life.  "Happily ever after" takes one helluva lotta work.  But it's worth it.